


National Pride

by Trensu



Series: The Adventures of Darcy and Loki, Mischief Makers [6]
Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-01
Updated: 2011-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-26 18:32:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trensu/pseuds/Trensu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Dude! You don’t look at another person’s porn. That’s totally uncool!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	National Pride

Loki appeared in Darcy’s room only to find his protégé fiddling on the computer. Again. She hadn’t noticed his presence yet. Silently, he crept up behind her. Once he was well within her personal space, he spoke.

“I thought I told you to work on your self-transfiguration,” Loki scolded, and popped out of the way as Darcy let out a loud yelp and jolted hard enough to tip her chair backwards. She landed on the floor with a loud clatter and a groan of pain.

“Oh, god, why,” Darcy moaned, clutching her head. Loki sniffed without a hint of remorse or pity. That’s what happens to students who slack off. Instead, he peered at the laptop screen where two fit men were in states of undress and kissing very, very enthusiastically. Loki frowned.

“Is this--?”

“Dude! You don’t look at another person’s porn. That’s totally uncool! And really werid,” Darcy shoved Loki out of the way, and placed herself between him and the laptop. She glared. Loki stared back. Pleased moans emanated from the computer’s speakers. Darcy blushed.

Loki tilted his head, peeking over Darcy’s shoulder easily ( _curse him and his height,_ Darcy thought). “Are they in uniform? Is that what your military wears?”

Darcy winced as one of the men let out a particularly loud moan of appreciation, which Darcy took to mean that they reached the point where the dark-haired guy took the blond man into his mouth. Darcy whipped around and frantically hit the pause, mute, and minimize buttons, hiding her beloved porn from view.

“I don’t want to have this conversation.”

“You’re delaying your studies for sexual release, a useless and short-lived venture. We are having this conversation.”

“I’ll have you know I have great stamina. There’s nothing short-lived about it!” Darcy snapped, and promptly slapped a hand over her mouth, completely horrified. “Let’s pretend I didn’t say that. Oh, god, this is so terrible. It’s like having my mom walk in while I—never mind, can we stop now?”

“No.”

“You don’t feel awkward about this at all?”

“What I feel is dissatisfaction.”

“Yeah, me, too. Jeez, couldn’t you have knocked? Or, better yet, visit at some time not now?”

“Darcy, you are neglecting your studies. I will not—"

“But I’m not! I mean, I was researching for a prank. A revenge prank!” Darcy shouted. Loki clearly didn’t buy it, which was unfortunate because Darcy wasn't actually lying this time.

“You are watching pornography for research?” Loki reiterated flatly.

“Yes! Look,” Darcy righted her chair and returned to her computer. After a series of clicks, an email from Nick Fury appeared on her screen. “Fury, you know, is essentially bribing me to keep my mouth shut about the existence of SHIELD and you and all that in the form of a monthly stipend. Like anyone would've believed me if I blabbed anyway. Somehow, Mr. Creepy One-Eye found out about my porn stash and told me to stop using my stipend to buy porn. And then he made Steve give me a lecture about the…the impropriety,” Darcy hissed out the last part indignantly, “of porn, especially porn featuring fake military dudes.”

Darcy leapt from her chair and whirled to face Loki, brilliantly angered. “Can you believe that? How dare they? That’s none of their friggin’ business. And yeah, I get that Rogers is like, ancient and from the forties and served in the war or whatever, but what the friggin’ hell? I bet Stark uses SHIELD resources to get porn, too, and I haven’t seen him get any lectures about it. It’s an invasion of privacy! And that money is officially mine to use as I please once Fury gives it to me.”

Darcy was breathing heavily at this point, completely exasperated. Loki motioned towards the laptop.

“What were you planning to do?” Loki took no small amount of pride in the devious grin that Darcy shot him.

“You’re going to love this. I’m going to combine your magic and my tech skills…”

~*~*~

Steve reached Fury’s office, befuddled and bemused. On his way there, several SHIELD members and personnel stopped him to offer congratulations on his brilliant performance and recommend that he continue the good work. While Steve was able to confusedly thank them, they all managed to leave before he could ask them what exactly they were talking about.

Steve was on the receiving end of a flat stare the minute he entered Fury's office. Fury waved a disc labeled ‘National Pride’ at him.

“Have you seen this?” At Steve’s clueless expression, he popped the disc into his desktop, and swiveled the screen towards Steve.

The words “McFury’s Salacious Soldiers” appeared in swirly, silver font across the black screen with a cartoon man in an eye patch underneath. The camera zoomed in and through the eye patch revealing a buff blond man in a Captain America costume, polishing a small cheap-looking shield that had been placed on a rather provocative spot of his anatomy while a dark-haired man watched. Steve's first thought was that that was a very impractical way to polish a shield properly. Then the cheesy background music kicked in.

Steve’s eyes widened in horror as he watched the dark-haired man on screen approach the fake (and utterly ridiculous) Captain America and kneel before him. “Oh, Captain, let me help you polish that,” the dark-haired man (who, Steve noticed with a new wave of dismay, bore a striking resemblance to Stark) said throatily. Steve steadily grew redder and redder as the show progressed. _Where's a convenient Nazi invasion when you need one?_ Steve thought hysterically, concentrating very hard on not looking at Fury.

At the end of the—for lack of a better term—film ( _which was **not** arousing,_ Steve mentally told his body, _not arousing in any way or form_ ), the silver on black lettering appeared once again, proudly proclaiming that this had been a “Mischief Makers Production. To get more of McFury’s Salacious Soldiers, call the number on the screen and talk to McFury himself!”

“My secretary has been fielding calls all day, but some still manage to get through,” Fury said impassively, though his one eye seemed haunted.

Steve nodded numbly, not really registering Fury’s words. All that time Steve spent in battle left hardly a mark on his psyche, but Steve knew without a doubt that watching that film had killed a part of his soul.

~*~*~

TO THE PRODUCERS OF NATIONAL PRIDE:

I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO FUND ANY FUTURE ENTERPRISES YOU MAY HAVE IN MIND FEATURING THOSE SALACIOUS SOLDIERS. I WILL PAY EXTRA IF YOU DESIST RELEASING THE FILM(S) TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC. I’M NOT GOOD WITH SHARING.

YOUR DEVOTED FAN,

TONY STARK

Darcy’s peals of laughter were heard throughout the apartment complex when the newscaster had her cameraman zoom in on the banner decorating Stark Industries. Darcy laughed even harder when she saw that the banner surprised a snigger from Loki.

“We are not sure what this film is, but do not worry viewers, our reporters are frantically digging up every lead we have available. After all, if Stark is willing to provide funds, it must be quite a grand film,” the newscaster said excitedly. Darcy shut off the television.

“I told you it would be an awesome prank."

**Author's Note:**

> This part was inspired by [this tumblr post](http://memosfromfury.tumblr.com/post/11409361058).
> 
> Also, I kind of feel bad for Steve. He was absolutely miserable at having to lecture Darcy about porn, too.


End file.
